When I Interrogate Myself Even After the Conversation Ends
Why did I say that? The self-blame that begins after a conversation may look like reflection, but sometimes it becomes a time when a habit of thinking that once tried to protect me turns around and attacks me again.
Sometimes the words begin playing again only after I return home from a conversation. Sentences like “Why did I say that for no reason?”, “What if they misunderstand me?”, and “Why am I always like this?” follow one another endlessly. It is a time when I reopen a conversation that has already ended and scrutinize my own words and expressions.
The longer this continues, the more we may feel that what we did was bigger than what actually happened. Even when the other person may have replied late or looked serious for reasons unrelated to us, we immediately look for the cause in our own words. This does not happen simply because we are overly sensitive or poor at conversation. As the expression in the video suggests, stress can automatically steer our thoughts in a negative direction.
Thoughts Are Events That Arise, Not Verdicts
The fact that a thought arises in our mind does not mean that the thought is true. Even when the sentence “I ruined everything” comes up, it may simply be an event taking place in the mind right now. The harder we try to erase a thought or cover it with another stimulus, the more tightly we may become caught by that sentence.
We can pause and look at it this way: “Oh, the thought that I shouldn’t have said that has come up.” Rather than fighting the content of the sentence, we create a small distance between ourselves and the thought as we observe it. It is a distance that keeps the thought from being allowed to explain all of who we are.
Between Reflection and Self-Blame
Reflecting on a conversation is not inherently bad. Looking back to organize what to say next, or to identify any necessary apology or action, leaves us with a direction for moving forward. But if we keep repeating the unanswered question “Why did I do that?”, it may tie us to the same place instead of preparing us for what comes next.
Even if the conversation plays again tonight, we do not have to reach a conclusion right away. Tomorrow, I can consider whether an apology is needed, whether there is something to explain, or whether I am simply exhausted and unable to settle down. For now, I can end the interrogation and allow myself to rest for a while. One sentence does not define all of who I am.