When someone’s expression darkens, you may immediately search for a reason; when a colleague looks exhausted, you may feel that you should help; and when someone close to you seems uncomfortable, you may start reflecting on your own words and actions. Because looking after others has become so quick and familiar, there is no time left to check in with your own feelings.

That habit may not have developed overnight. If you once learned that you had to monitor the moods of the adults around you in order to feel safe, you may still sense other people’s emotions first, as though it were ingrained in your body. So when you notice yourself constantly reading the room, there is no need to push yourself harder. It may have been a way of protecting yourself that was necessary at one time.

Other People’s Emotions Are Not All Your Responsibility

There are times when a supervisor becomes irritated on their own at work, or a colleague speaks in an exhausted voice. Their emotions may have reasons behind them, but those reasons are not always about you. The same is true of people close to you. Between the fact that someone feels uncomfortable and the conclusion that you must resolve it, there is room to pause and think.

The desire to understand someone else’s emotions is valuable. But understanding and responsibility are not the same thing. Even while paying attention to another person’s mood, you can also notice whether you feel uncomfortable or tired.

Practicing Turning Your Antenna Toward Yourself for a Moment

Try turning the attention that automatically points toward others just slightly back toward yourself. After asking, ‘How is that person doing right now?’ ask, ‘How am I feeling right now?’ You do not need to reach an immediate conclusion or change your behavior. Sometimes it is enough simply to notice whether you are tense, burdened, or in need of rest.

Only then is it still not too late to check in with the other person’s feelings again. Checking your own feelings first does not make you selfish. It is closer to acknowledging that both people’s emotions can exist at the same time.

A Small Place for Honesty

When talking with someone close to you, you might express your own state in one sentence instead of trying to soothe them. For example: ‘You seem uncomfortable, and that makes me feel a little uncomfortable too. Would you like to talk for a moment?’ You do not have to express yourself perfectly. At first, it is fine to begin on a very small scale with someone you trust and feel close to.

For someone who has spent a long time living by watching over others, pausing can feel unfamiliar. So you do not have to change all at once. Asking yourself how you feel once before reading someone else’s mood today, pausing briefly instead of responding right away—small choices like these are part of learning your boundaries again.