In some relationships, the more small things happen repeatedly, the more quiet tallies accumulate in our hearts. Once, twice, three times. Throughout it all, we usually say nothing. We value the relationship, want to avoid conflict, and worry that bringing it up will make us seem overly calculating.

Then, at some point, we stop responding, show our hurt through our expressions, or grow distant from the other person only in our hearts. Outwardly, it may look as though the matter passed gently, but inside, we may already be gradually forming a conclusion about the relationship.

Hurt Comes from Where Expectations Are Disappointed

We do not have to dismiss hurt as simply “being sensitive about something trivial.” There was an expectation behind it, along with an experience of that expectation not being met. We can begin by asking, “What was I hoping for that the other person did not know about?”

The fact that we had expectations is not wrong. However, an unspoken expectation can become an invisible standard for the other person. Simply identifying a standard that only we knew can slightly change the shape of the event in our minds.

Understanding Someone Does Not Mean Erasing My Own Feelings

The other person may also have had their own circumstances or needs. Perhaps they wanted to work efficiently or wanted recognition that they were contributing together with us. Imagining these possibilities can sometimes make our words sound less confrontational.

But understanding is not the same as agreeing. Even after considering the other person’s reasons, I may still feel uncomfortable, and I can express how I feel. Adjusting my expectations does not mean resigning myself or giving up on everything.

Keep It Brief and Specific When You Speak

When expressing hurt, look first at the other person’s actions rather than their personality. “When you keep making jokes, it hurts my feelings. I’d appreciate it if you could hold back a little from now on.” This approach presents the behavior, its impact on me, and my hope for the future in that order.

It may be difficult to say these things well right away. The longer someone has held their feelings in, the more likely they may be to speak harshly all at once—or be unable to say anything at all. Taking a little time to choose the words in your mind and practice saying them aloud can be meaningful preparation in itself.

Do Not Give Up the Expectations That Are Mine to Hold

There may be times when what the other person can offer is not everything I want. In those moments, I can adjust how often or how long we meet, spend time with other people, or find ways to enjoy time on my own.

What matters is not closing myself off by saying, “This is all it can be.” It is adjusting what needs to be adjusted in the relationship without giving up the parts of my heart that have not yet been fulfilled. I do not have to reach a conclusion today. It is enough to begin by looking, one thing at a time, at what I expected, what I can say, and how long I want to remain.